:My Blog.

This blog is going to take a very long time to do. And I hope you appreciate my efforts in entertaining you, for the amount of time it takes you to read this.

When so many kids grew up they believed in becoming rich, and having the lives that were only real in the world of fantasy. Imagination flooded their reality. They had absolutely no idea of how they were going to achieve what they had envisioned themselves achieving. I even see it today. Kids are so engulfed in becoming the most important people in the world and they are, at the same time getting bad grades on tests. I know I saw myself living in an enormous house on the top of a mountain. But now I see that there is absolutely no way in the world that I am going to get to that. I am being realistic with myself. Realism is the key to life. It allows you to see what is within your reach. I am not saying that imagination should be outlawed, because it gets you stuck in life, and it doesn’t allow you to move forward. That would be ridicules to assume. Imagination is what enables new inventions to come into this world. All I am saying is that people need to see what their strengths are and cultivate them determination, and effort.

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di-ar-rhe-a  /-da-ə-riə/ [dahy-uh-ree-uh]

–noun Pathology

Everyone knows that feeling all to well. That horrible pressure building up in your abdomen, squeezing your insides; it will make a perfect evening with your wife turn in to a nightmare that ends up being flushed away to make room for even more. Your head gets hot and your brain is desperately searching for some means of escape. But sometimes there seems to be no possible way of ratifying the situation. Yes, we all fear it and it always finds ways of happening in the worst possible time. It could be at your wedding, or maybe while driving through Vail pass on your way to the mountains. Whenever it occurs, you know it. Of course I am talking about the infamous and ever unpopular, diarrhea. I have composed a list of in my mind, the absolute worst times for it to wreak havoc on your life.

1 During take-off in a crowded airplane trying to sooth a crying baby.

2 The summit of

Mt.
Everest.

3 While illegally crossing the Mexican border, stuffed in a barrel.

4 In a confessional, listening to a man confess thirty years worth of sins.

5 A dinner party at your boss’s house.

6 While walking down the isle at your wedding.

7 In a boxing match with the world heavy weight champion. You are in the final round and on the verge of knocking out your opponent.

8 In the middle of the cougar prowl.

9 While you are at your wife’s side during the birth of your first child.

10 You have jury duty and the trial is about to start.

11 During a yoga session.

12 A Styx concert.

13 An LA traffic jam.

14 A job interview.

15 The final stretch of the Tour De France

16 During your solo at the school musical.

17 Right as you start reading your good parts part.
18 On the parallel bars during the summer Olympics.

19 When asking your fiancé’s father for her hand in marriage.

20 While in the dentist’s office, getting a root canal.

21 You are in a tanning booth, set for thirty minutes.

22 Your acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize.

23 While your hot tubing with your girlfriend.

24 Being interrogated by the police.

25 Giving a toast to the bride and groom at your brother’s wedding.

So now you’ve read scenarios where it would quite frankly suck to have diarrhea. Although limited, there are some ways you can cope with it.

1 Before going to any place, know where possible retreat areas (bathrooms) could be located

2 If you know that that something is going down, or will go down, wear a diaper. It could be highly inconvenient and extremely embarrassing, but it beats destroying a pair of pants.

3 From personal experience, if you are hiking outside, always bring something like napkins, which can be used as toilet paper. And bring a lot because once you run out, all that is going to be by your side is a very sharp pine cone that can cause damage and pain beyond belief.

4 Table cloths that hang down to the ground at banquets and weddings hide many things. It never hurts to try.

5 During performances the audience sometimes has no idea how the play or song is supposed to go. You can abruptly end things, and the audience may think it is awkward, but it still gets you out of the situation fast and effectively. Or you could sing the song really, really fast and finish it in half the time. With this alternative, you can be as creative as you want.

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Going to work there are a myraid of opportunities for things to go absolutely wrong. I myself have faced things that are similar to the ones in the list below, but nothing to the extremes that I reach. These are in my mind the worst the top eleven things you really desperatly would not want happening on your way to work.

1. You get take your brother’s car to work and get pulled over by a police officer. The policeman finds the car to be stolen, and smuggled in from Germany.
2. You drive into a tornado in Oklahoma, and get thrown on top of the space needle in Seattle.
3. You show up to work on a Saturday.
4. You refuse to give a homeless man money. Then you notice you’re completely out of gas.
5. You miss breakfast hour at McDonalds.
6. You show up to work and the IRS is waiting at your desk.
7. You crash into an orphanage, and then you get out of your car and run.
8. You rear end your boss at a stoplight.
9. Your accelerator gets stuck in a school zone and there are children on the cross-walk ahead.
10. You role down the window and all the contents in your briefcase fly out onto the street right after it rained.
11. You give a homeless man money. He turns out not being homeless.

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Why did I do it you ask? Richard has been trying to kill me since I met him. He has never seemed to be able to do it though. Yes there have been times where I really thought he was serious but he couldn’t pull through. Last month he invited me over for the same exact thing, coffee. But instead of pouring the rat poison in the coffee, he served me spaghetti and gave me his tickets to a concert. Three and a half months ago Richard tried to put cement blocks on my feat while I was sleeping, then throw me in the harbor. That one was the worst though. He had taken me to the pier and was just about to let me go, but I woke up. Richard explained that he hadn’t known where he was either and we must have been kidnapped together, although apparently the kidnappers left him without any cement blocks on his feet. It took doctors three days to get all the cement gone. I had to undergo intense physical therapy afterwards. He told me that he had suffered some back pain afterwards to make me feel better about what happened. I was afraid to tell the police about it because I don’t have any proof to back up assumptions. If asked about it Richard would have denied it like any one else would have naturally done. So I was afraid if he kept this up, he really would have killed me. Or he would have driven himself mad by it, but I was not about to take that chance. I have known Richard since I was a child and we were the best of friends. One day in eighth grade he caught me cheating off of his language arts test. He was the one who got a referral and I never spoke up. He never seemed to get over it. After school when I would call him his mom would pick up the phone and say that he was not available at the moment, and then she would tell me to call back later. I did call back. I called back again and again, and never heard from him. At school he turned into the quiet kid, never talking, and never raising his hand. He had isolated himself from the whole world. It was absurd how he was taking the whole situation and I told him that after about a month had gone by. Then, he did the strangest thing I thought he could have done. He shook my hand and said that I was right. As far as I know, that was the exact moment that he turned on me, swearing an oath to kill me. We started hanging out all the time afterwards. But there was something different about our friendship. We treated each other the same, but I always was getting into odd situations, where Richard seemed to disappear and I was left to clean the whole thing up. At the movies I was putting butter on my popcorn when Richard said he had to go to the bathroom. I saw him walk off into a crowd of people with a smirk on his face. A second later the butter machine exploded, spewing hot oily liquid all over the front of my body. The owner of the theatre was there that night, and coincidently was standing in line, behind me. He too got a considerable amount of the dark yellow oil on his front. I got fined the cost of the butter machine and the fined for the owner’s dry cleaning. I never brought that up to him, though he knew that it happened. That was the very first sign of Richard’s madness. For the next thirty years the same kind of things happened to me, but the level of severity increased with each encounter. So, you see now why I tried, and succeeded in killing him. It simply had to be done.

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